Tuesday, February 17, 2009

How to have the No. 1 Blog in the World

One of the things I've noticed about blogs, including mine, is that they are all trying, desperately or halfheartedly, to grab people's attention. It really doesn't matter what people: sexual deviants preferably as they form the largest group of male internet users or fat women interested in new diets and pleasurable liposuction, as they form the largest group of not necessarily male users. See what I did there?

So here are my Top 10 tips for ruling the Blogosphere:

1/ LINK as much as you can. Tell people that if they post a link to your blog, they will get thousands of new hits every day. Don't tell them that those people will click for one second only and none of them will ever read anything you write. They were only there looking for a way to promote their own blogs anyway.

2/ DON'T WRITE. The average surfer's attention span is about 10 seconds. A couple of sentences about your night out with Boy George will suffice; a whole page about what you were thinking the morning after will not.

3/ HIGH DEFINITION PHOTOS. There are a million people out there with an even more expensive digital camera than yours. Beware: people want to pick out the individual hairs on that weird animal.

4/ UPDATE as much as is humanly possible: every ten seconds preferably. RSS and GOOGLE READER will positively adore you!

5/ BE CONTROVERSIAL. If Barack Obama or Osama Bin Ladin had an affair with you wife, or, better still, husband, congratulations, your blog is going to be a winner!

6/ BE QUIRKY. Blog surfers love photos of alien corpses after their autopsies.

7/ MAKE A MUSICAL CONNECTION. Link to Rap, Punk and Heavy Metal videos like crazy, especially to anything by Sly and the Family Stone.

8/ KEEP IT PLAIN AND SIMPLE. The best blogs communicate clearly, not with scrawly writing obscured by a sea of falling pink hearts and black skulls. Write your paragraph, post your picture. That's it.

9/ WEAR YOUR HEART ON YOUR SLEEVE. Shrinking violets will always be, well, shrinking. Shout, shout, let it all out!

10/ DON'T, WHATEVER YOU DO, DO WHAT I DO, because nobody, and I mean nobody, except for the one sexual deviant who keeps coming back every hour (I know who you are) reads this blog.

Pssst. Here's the real secret: Top 10 blogs in the world; Top 100 blogs in the world; best blog in the world; Top 10 web sites in the world; most popular web site in the world; most popular blog in the world; No 1 blog; nude photos of Victoria Beckham and Beyonce. Well that's my 10 hits for the day guaranteed then ;)


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9 comments:

  1. True, The current blogging generation is full of LOL speak, high on self-promotion and low on attention span.

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  2. I definitely agree with you sir...but to be honest with you Sir, I do blogging for the sole purpose of self-expression rather than to be famous in the cyber world.

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  3. ;-) Thanks for the nice compliment on my last blog! I like yours also. See you!

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  4. Ian, Mongolian's cubes are different than Rubik's cubes.

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  5. Sometimes, blogs are made for one person only !! But, nice advice ;)

    "The minds of men are mirrors to one another" -David Hume-

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  6. Hey its nice advice.

    Thanks for sharing !!!

    all the best

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  7. I will definitely follow your tips here. Love it!

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